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10 Rules To Follow In Order To Survive Zombie Attack

Anything involving a zombie attack has my antenna up and alert always. Yes, I’m a total junkie. Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, Zombieland, Bio Zombie, Shaun of the Dead… you name them, I’ve seen them.

I couldn’t help smacking my forehead seeing how meekly people surrendered their juicy brains to the undead. I almost pulled out some of my hair in frustration. They were doing it all wrong!

It is pretty simple to not just live on but also put the ghastly ghouls in their place.  So I thought I should write a survival guide for all my fellow zombie junkies to help them survive zombie attacks. There are ten things that are really very important:

1. Be prepared

Stock up on ammo and food. The local Wal-Mart is sure to have enough food to last you for weeks, so I suggest you box up tons and tons of eatables. Visit Home Depot or a similar store to stockpile concrete and lumber. You know, to fortify your hidey hole. Avoid crowded places like malls, highways and schools (remember Attack of the Schoolgirl Zombies?) And yes, do advise your loved ones to do the same. However this is a golden opportunity to eliminate your enemies without getting your hands dirty, so you might want to, you know, encourage THEM to be in crowded places. Practice target shooting and hone your skills.

2. Keep Fit

Do some cardio, pump that iron, and get those muscles rippling. Haven’t you noticed? Darwin was right and survival of the fittest is the name of the game. The fat ones are eaten up by the creepy crawlies first. They probably have juicier brains as well.

3. Aim For The Head

The only way to stave off zombies is to exterminate them. Aim for the head and let go… bang! If you don’t get in a clean shot, and even if you do, repeat. If you’re anti gun, make do with an ax and chop its head off. Be sure to step away from the head, even after decapitation, it may try to bite you. You may be a trifle horrified at having blood (if zombies do bleed) on your hands, but with time I’m sure you’ll be looking forward to more executions.

4. Run

If the attack is only on your city, find refuge in the next town or city. Maybe you can rustle up a posse of vigilantes who will be happy to assist. If the whole country is under siege, hole up in a new department store where you will have enough food, clothes and water. Why new? Because zombies will head for the malls and stores they frequented before they crossed over to the other side. If you head to an old one you might walk straight into your second cousin’s teeth.

5. Avoid The Infected

If your buddy has been bitten, he’s no longer your buddy, he’s out to get your brains. So squeeze off a couple with your shotgun and move on. Gather the un-bitten and look for a hideout the zombies are unlikely to chance upon. If you’re confident, others will play ‘follow the leader’. And don’t let your enthusiasm to preserve and protect mess with your head. You need enough to fight the ghouls but not so many that you run out of food.

6. Fortify

Fortify your entrances and exits so that even a couple of thousand salivating zombies pushing on them will have no effect. Check and reinforce the fortifications every single day.

7. Wear Protection

You get zombified if, and only if, you actually get bitten by. Ditch your Levis and Hollisters and protect your body with thick leather or metallic armor ala King Arthur’s shining Knights. Even the toughest zombie is unlikely to have teeth that good. I don’t think their insurance covers dental anyway. Do they have insurance at all? Hmm, I wonder.

8. Don’t Trust Them

Remember not to trust ANYONE in times of zombie attacks. Who knows if your favorite aunt has been bitten? Behind that sweet smile, perhaps, lurks a ruthless brain eater.

9. Stay Alert

Always. Zombies love surprises. Especially when your bladder is at bursting point. Maybe you’ll be better off with a Glock in your medicine cabinet.

10. Communicate

Try to send well, not smoke signals, but some sort of message to the outside world. You’ll need all the help you can get.